I’m married to a man who has Borderline Personality Disorder.  Mmm… Hmm…

Not sure what Borderline Personality Disorder is?  Read this.

Why do I share this on an Emotional Eating blog?  Because I am learning that many people who are married to those with BPD turn to outside sources to cope.  And, food is a BIG ONE.

We were married for 20 years before we ever had a full diagnosis.  20 LONG YEARS!!

Now, before you start thinking I’m going to start bashing on my husband and tell you all the terrible things he does, that is NOT what this is.  Quite the opposite.  But, let’s start at the beginning.

Here’s the truth.  My husband had anger issues.  He was compulsive.  He switched jobs regularly.  His emotions were all over the place.  I never knew which Jeff I was going to get when I woke up that day.  (Surprise!!!!)

And, since I’m blatantly honest in this blog…he STILL has those issues.  He’s just toned down a bit.

WE STRUGGLED.  A LOT!  We were separated 2 different times.

The hardest part about it for me was that I knew my husband was a good man!  There was so much GOOD in him!  He loved to serve others.  (He still does!)  He loved to serve me!  (He still does!)  I knew that this man would do ANYTHING for me – on his good days.  On his bad days it was hard.

When we were first married I got the “not so nice” Jeff 50% of the time.  Now, it’s more like 20%.

We have both learned some coping skills.  And, I can actually say I enjoy that 80%.  🙂

But, in those 20 years, we did not understand what was happening.  When he would get angry at me for really small issues, I didn’t understand how to cope.  I shut down. I turned to food.  Food became my friend.

I lived my life in FEAR.  It was not fear of my husband.  It was fear that my life would always be this way.  I now know that my husband was not really mad, he was feeling misunderstood.  He was feeling shame. His brain didn’t work like mine.  And when that shame kicked in, it was easy to blame others for his feelings.  When I reacted out of FEAR it made the situation much worse.  Neither of us understood what was actually happening.

If I could go back & tell that girl something it would be this:

You can live our life in 2 ways.    A life of LOVE.  A life of FEAR.

I have a blog on this entire topic.  (Link to Blog here.)

You have a choice right now.

You can make that choice out of love for yourself or someone else.

Or, you can make that choice out of fear for yourself or someone else.

When you make choices out of LOVE, you will always make the right choice.  ALWAYS.

Let’s give you an example:

SITUATION:
Your husband is yelling at you.

YOU CHOOSE TO REACT IN LOVE:
Out of love for yourself you set a boundary & calmly tell that person you are going to remove yourself from the situation & will be happy to talk when they have calmed down.  Out of love for yourself, you don’t turn to food to feed your emotions.  Out of love for them, you talk to them after the situation & share your feelings about how you felt & your concern for them.  (You do NOT point fingers.  You do NOT tell them what they did wrong. You share FEELINGS out of love.)

YOU CHOOSE TO REACT IN FEAR:
Out of fear for yourself, you yell back and tell them all the things they’re doing wrong.  After the yelling match you eat your emotions to feel better because you feel fear about where your relationship is headed.   Out of FEAR of them hurting you again, you give them the cold shoulder & refuse to speak to them.  You may isolate yourself in your room.  Nothing improves in your relationship.

See the difference?

When I learned to live my life in LOVE instead of FEAR, my life took a 180 turn.  My marriage drastically improved.  I saw my husband in a different light.  My emotional eating improved.  I became a different person.

If you’d like to read more about living a life of LOVE vs. FEAR, read the book by Marriane Williamson called A Return Turn to Love.  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000VYX944/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_tkin_p1_i0

If you would like more information on Borderline Personality Disorder, this is a great book.

https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality-ebook/dp/B0046ECFIG/ref=sr_1_13?crid=2RL1HUC1UJV84&dchild=1&keywords=walking+on+eggshells&qid=1595275621&s=digital-text&sprefix=walking+on+egg%2Cdigital-text%2C217&sr=1-13