This was a super hard, vulnerable blog to write.  

There was a time in my life when I felt like I totally messed up my child & they would never recover.
During that period, I fell into a deep, dark place.
I actually laid on the couch for weeks & lived off nachos & rice krispy treats.  

I’m the mother of an amazingly beautiful, talented, whitty, fun-loving daughter.  She also happens to have an addiction.  And, that addiction took over her life.  As of this writing, she is living in an Addiction Facility in Canada.  (I live in Arizona.)

People ask me often about my daughter’s addiction.  It’s not that it’s a secret.  It’s that I believe it’s my daughters story to tell.  Out of respect for her, I will refrain from mentioning anything about it other than she has an addiction & is living in a treatment center.  If you happen to meet my daughter, she will freely share with you about her story.  She wants to help others who went through what she’s going through.  I have her permission to write about what it has been like for me as a parent.

I KNOW that our experience can be a strength to others.  And THAT is why I choose to write about it.  

When my daughter came to me in tears and told me about her addiction…I. HAD. NO. IDEA.  I remember very little about that night.  I listened.  I’m sure I looked stunned.  I honestly don’t remember what happened after that.  I believe I was in shock.

She was seeing a counselor and attending an Addiction program.  But, her behaviors did not change.

I didn’t blame my daughter.  I blamed myself.  

It’s a unique experience to be the parent of an adult child who has a severe addiction. (She was 21 yrs old and living in our home.)   You know what needs to be done to overcome it, but you cannot make them do it.  

I didn’t know my place.  I’m her mother, but…she’s an adult.

My heart felt so incredibly heavy.  It was as if over night it had literally turned to stone.
I had a hard time functioning with even small tasks.
Taking showers, eating real food, talking on the phone, responding to texts…all were no longer on my list of important things to do.

I remember during that time that I would wake up to make breakfast for my younger kids & see them out the door.  And then, the rest of the day I laid on the couch.  My husband took over parts of our business that were important.  The rest of our business just didn’t get done.   I’d make batches & batches of rice krispy treats ahead of time to eat while I layed there.   When those became old, I’d switch it up and eat nachos with cherry coke.  I’d get up off the couch a few minutes before my kids arrived home from school.  Laying on that couch was my priority.  Not having my kids see me on the couch was also a priority.  

 

I’ve always had this thought or feeling that I had to be a “good mom”.  I love my kids beyond anything I can explain.  If my daughter had an addiction, I must not be a good mom.  That is how it felt for me.  At that point in my life, I was unable to separate that SHE made this choice.  I truly felt that there must have been something I did or didn’t do that caused my daughter to have this addiction.   

I’m sure what I was going through was grief.  There are many types of grief.  I was grieving over the loss of what I thought my life & her life was supposed to be & the reality of what it was.  Even though my child was alive, it felt inside to me like she had died.  I read a book about grief & learned that my feelings surrounding this phase were very accurate.  

As I write this, tears fill my eyes remembering those heavy feelings.  I remember how helpless I felt as I lay on that couch.  I remember all the people who tried to reach out to me and I completely ignored them.  I remember feeling like I wanted to punish myself.  I deserved to be miserable.  This was MY fault.  

My brain was not thinking straight, but I didn’t realize that in the moment.  

It was a good friend who helped me wake up.  She had called & text me numerous times without me responding.  She knew me well enough to know that she could tell me things straight & to the point.  She called me & left a message that said:  “Listen girl, you better pick up the phone and call me or I’m getting on a plane and coming down there.”  And, I knew her well enough to know that she probably would do that. 

So, I called her.  She asked me what in the world was going on & why I had completely disappeared.  At this point, I had not told anyone what was happening with my daughter.  She pulled it out of me.  In tears, I explained my heart ache.  She listened.  She validated my feelings.  And then she said in the most loving way she could – “Look.  The person I’m talking to right now is NOT the Diane Shephard that I know.  The Diane Shephard I know has faced a whole lot of adversity in her life & didn’t back down.  How is laying on the couch helping you or your daughter?  It’s time to get up off the couch.  What you’re going through is hard.  I get it.  But, you are stronger than this.” 

She had no idea how much I needed to hear that.  

It was the turning point for me to start healing, to take back my life.

It was during this time that I started reading the book – “A Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson.  I’ve mentioned this book several times in my writings.  Read it.  It literally changed my life.  

The book talks about making choices in your life out of LOVE instead of FEAR.  Read my blog about Love vs. Fear here.

It’s funny how the ONE thing I desperately wanted to do was to help my daughter.  And yet, the only thing I was doing was laying on the couch thinking about myself, withdrawing & being of help to nobody.  

It was a process but what helped me the most was focusing on LOVING my daughter and to stop focusing on myself and my pain.  Here’s what i chose to do:

• I’d wake up early & make her snacks to take to work.  I’d leave them at the front door with her name on it & a little smiley face.  
• I knew the times she’d be home to change clothes from work & leave again.  I’d make every effort to be at those cross roads.  To see her, to say “hi” and just know I was there.
• I would do small acts of kindness towards her.  Fold some clothes.  Make her bed.  Get her favorite snack.
• I would text her throughout the day & just say – “Hi Sweets!”  I’d ask her about work or other random things.  
• I’d sincerely compliment her on her hair, clothes, anything I saw.

Most of the time when I’d do this, she would act like she didn’t care.  She’d not respond.  She’d tell me she didn’t like the snack.  She’d not respond to many of the texts.  But, I continued.  

My ONLY job was to unconditionally love my girl.  

My heart changed.
My life changed.

I learned through this process that I had done the absolute best I could as a mother.  I was not perfect but I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.  I had to give myself grace.  

SHE had to make her own choices in life.
This was HER trial.
This was HER struggle that she gets to learn & grow from.  

When she decided her addiction was too much and she needed more intense treatment, she chose to go to a 2-year treatment center.  I was so very proud of her.  It was hands down, one of the HARDEST decisions she ever made.  She sold her car.  She quit her job.  She put everything on hold in her life for 2 years so she could overcome this addiction.  

When she left, I once again struggled with what my job was.  How could I love her that far away?  We had no contact for months. 

I remembered what I’d learn about LOVE vs FEAR & I chose to do something out of my LOVE for my daughter & for myself.  I kept a journal for the 1st year of her treatment.  I wrote in it every time I thought of her.  I shared my love for her.  I shared my dreams with her.  I shared my life.  I felt a connection with her even though she was thousands of miles away & we had no communication.  I gave that to her after she’d be in treatment for a year.  

I now believe my daughter was supposed to have this Addiction.  I believe that this was always how it was meant to be.  There is nothing wrong here. 

My family has grown leaps and bounds from what we’ve learned from her struggles.  

My daughter has taught me.
My ONLY job as a parent is to UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE.  Always.  When I’m living in that space, I will always be making the right choice.  

And this, my friend is where PEACE is found.