This picture was taken in 2014. I was 100 lbs overweight. This was actually the 2nd time I’d been at this weight.
I never took pictures at this size. My husband snuck this picture without me knowing. He showed it to me years later.
I remember this trip well. Several months previous, I had decided I was going to just give up trying to lose weight anymore. And I did for the time being. I gained 25 lbs in a short amount of time just eating whatever I wanted. I was in my “I don’t care” stage.
Soon after, I went back into that place of deep despair. It was an emotional day & I found myself at a drive thru. I ordered my food, parked the car to eat my food & ate until I felt nauseous. When I was done, I remember looking around the car & seeing remnants of times I’d done this before. I was angry at myself. I cried uncontrollably. I’d tried every diet imaginable & didn’t know what to do next.
I felt Defeated.
Lost.
I’d never actually contemplated taking my own life before, but in that moment… I could fully understand why people would. I didn’t want to live this life anymore. I had the urge to just drive the car away. Anywhere. It didn’t matter. I just wanted AWAY from this life.
If you’ve never been 100 lbs overweight, you will never fully grasp what it feels like. For me, this was the 2nd time I’d been there. I think the hardest part about it all is knowing that I caused it. I ate the food. Nobody shoved it down my throat. I was completely miserable and yet I FREAKIN’ made myself this way!! There is one word I used to say in my head over & over again when I was at this weight. FAILURE. I let my size & the number on the scale determine how I felt about myself. Here’s the not so funny part. I AM NOT a failure. When the above picture was taken, I was actually on an Incentive trip for my company. I had earned the trip for my husband and I for FREE! I had started a business in the health & wellness industry and ROCKED IT!! (Read that again. I rocked a business in the health & wellness industry as a woman who was 100 lbs overweight . Who does that?! I DO!!) Within 20 months our lives had completely changed because I had worked my behind off to get it there. I have a degree in music and can play any piece of music you place in front of me. I had 4 children who I love & was a hard working mother despite my circumstances. I woke up every morning at 5 am just to get everything done in my life I needed to do. I was not lazy. But…despite all of this, I truly felt like a FAILURE – all because of my weight.
Our brain does funny things doesn’t it? I had a long list of things that you’d think would prove I was AWESOME. I ignored those & only paid attention to the number on the scale.
I learned to change that way of thinking. I now have compassion for that woman who was 100 lbs overweight. She was doing the best she could. She was simply surviving & food brought her comfort.
I remember exactly what happened on this very day when I was at the Drive-Thru, sulking & wanting to run away.
My own strengths kicked in. I’m a fighter & refused to give up. I went home & did some research on people like me. I looked up “what to do when you tried every diet & you’re still fat.”
I came across a quiz on-line that said – “Are you an emotional eater?”
I’d never heard that term. It intrigued me. I took that quiz & had a score of 100%. I was a full-fledged emotional eater.
I learned something very important.
DIETS DO NOT WORK FOR EMOTIONAL EATERS!
A light bulb went off in my head. It explained why all those diets I tried in the past had failed.
I chose to do some research. And I put into action what I learned.
It was a process, but I learned that I needed to manage my BRAIN.
My brain was playing tricks on me in many ways. I had been trying to lose weight to prove that I was worthy.
In reality, I was ALWAYS worthy. I needed to believe that FIRST.
The best side effect to it all is that when I managed my brain, I not only lost weight but my entire LIFE changed.
It’s still a process I work on DAILY.
And, I most likely will the rest of my life.
But… I now have answers. Defeated & alone are no longer a part of my life.